photo: screenshot of a danger note from january
i am so frustrated right now. i've let everything go to waste.
i'm failing my classes --- not really but basically. i wish i could p/np but a part of me also can't bring myself to. i don't even know where to begin looking for math and i almost really want to just overload myself with classes fall semester just as like punishment and to solve my issue. summer... pretty sure nothing is happening and im so mad at myself for not applying to more stuff. i'm graduating around this time next year and i don't know anything more about what i want to do than... well actually, that's not true. I guess I have more specific things I want to try, not as a result of experience, but research. But I'm not making any tangible progress and it's infuriating. I'm not really eating that well, and I'm working on it, but I don't feel like I deserve the break to cook or to eat.
And I think the hardest part of being this upset with myself is that I don't feel like I could rant about this to anyone. I don't want to or feel like I can bother anyone or I think I'll react poorly to them trying to propose solutions or comfort me and I know I have people I could call if it was ever really bad but like it's not, it's really not, I swear. Like I guess because I deserve it, I should be able to handle it. The sequence of events that have led me up to this point aren't unpredictable. I've been mentally paging through my contacts intermittently for days now, and I swear there isn't anyone. I guess that just makes me really sad too. And now I just feel bad for myself which also is absolutely not productive.
I need to do my readings.
I need to edit together my project.
I need to figure out what I'm doing in the fall.
I need to figure out what I'm doing this summer.
I need to book places to go since I'm staying.
Great, now I'm crying. I don't think my sad chinese music is helping either HAHA I feel kinda deranged just crying randomly like this. My family and friends are okay. Nobody's hurt, nobody's dying. (We're all dying--) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I want to go home.
I really don't want to go home.
I don't really know if I should be posting this, but its not like anyone will read it in the immediate future anyway.
