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late luminescence


I just want to go find
the instruction manual for life
the rulebook for love
and a cheat sheet for
how to walk the line
between dreams and reality
hard work and relaxation
the treasure map to navigate
a lifetime of hardship
where ever so often
an x will mark joyful snippets
that always seem to flash by
like purple petals pelting
on a downhill slope's road
when the pedals move 
of their own accord
and the butterflies quiver
in the pit of your stomach
and perhaps in the darkest nights
along this ever winding path
I'll grasp they key to unlock hearts
from cages of ribs
where I'll discover the courage
to rescue the person
always stuck in
someone else's definition
of her place in society
from that vast, empty shadow
called doubt
in hopes that 
she will find contentment
in the sun's warm rays
bathing her face in light
instead of more longing
trying to pull
more than she can chew
and bathing her hands
in bitter sanguine blood
and slipping down
down
d
o
w
n
into her own thoughts
but, chances are
I'll never find these things
because it is not so simple
as "just"
why?
maybe because the world
is not kind or fair
or maybe it is 
by giving me the chance
to write my own
instruction manual
rulebook 
cheat sheet
treasure map
key ring
and blaze my own winding path
to find my definition
of me
so when I find
the rays bathing my frozen flesh
scorching sensitive eyes
I will find
contentment
enough


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34768
May 18, 2020 No comments

I am the luckiest girl in the world today
Scratch that, human
Today, I am the luckiest human 
To have ever walked the Earth

What did I do in my last life
To deserve these people?
Even if we’re screens apart
Their love hugs me tight

These are the people
I wish never to disappoint
Who make yellow, gold
And gray, silver

Who else can complain
That their cheeks hurt from smiling
But double over laughing anyway
Because they just can’t help it?

What other unscrupulus monkey
Gets to learn to be a girl?
Who needs wishes?
I have everything I could ever need

Thank you, thank you all so much
My face alighted by the candles’ glow
Joy emanating from my soul
I make a few wishes, anyhow

I wish that they are all happy
For the rest of their days
I hope they feel the warmth
And are forever content

I wish the virus will stop
Destroying people’s friends and family
That we can all embrace again
Screw the cautious six feet 

I wish for world peace
World happiness, world health
Let us cure the Earth
And accept ourselves

Yes, I am the luckiest person today
Bathing in all the love anyone could ever hope for
The bestest friends, the bestest family
And enough birthday candles to wish the same for you


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34734
May 15, 2020 No comments

I am so sorry
I screwed up
by making you wait
the space between
is so far
that time warps
and I, the fool
can't do basic math
or reading
I hope you weren't waiting
too long,
at an empty screen
for my profile picture
of a smile and balloons
to appear
I'm sorry
對不起
Lo siento
I can say it in whatever language
you please
Some would say I ghosted you
And I suppose I technically did
but I promise I didn't die
to say so is kind of an insult
to the people six feet under
and I suppose I could be my ghost
and not know I am
But I don't think I am
Because I feel so stupid
And the guilt is overwhelming
I agreed, and I didn't even show up
what kind of criminal
does that make me?
In short, I failed you
And this fuddly bundled up emotion
sits at the bottom of my stomach
as it roils with guilt and shame
where it will be 
on the outskirts of my mind
all day
I hope I can make it up
I hope you'll give me the chance
and if you don't, that's okay
it's my fault anyway
but nonetheless,
I'm sorry


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34663
May 13, 2020 No comments

World,
I thought this was the storm
Never could've thought
this was the calm
before the earthquake
one would think,
I'm used to this now
having my world
shift under my feet
just as I become okay
with where I am

World,
I never thought you cruel
why do you work with fate
to prevent my happiness?
why do you let me feel
content
heart, brimming with joy
laying on the couch
enraptured by the characters on TV
hour long conversations
with those I love
only to then drop the floor
from beneath me
making the fall
that much rougher?
what have I done
to wrong you?

World,
do you hear what they call you?
do you listen to what
every parent teaches their child?
they all say the world is not fair
but I couldn't comprehend
how the society
our heroes, our parents
lived in
could ever be unfair
yet, here you are
you let heroes suffer
rip nests apart
shred children until they grow
to mindlessly bend in the wind

World,
I am now nearly grown
I am now but another tree
who has learned to dance in the wind
entertainment, for your pleasure
I know this, but I still can't shake
the little girl within me
who still believes
that the world who created heroes
could never be an evil world
even if those heroes are only human
who fight, and cry, and are mistaken sometimes
they are still
her heroes

World,
this little girl within me
was once just an acorn
dropped by a hawk
rolling down the foothills
your earthquakes
allowed her to bury herself
and find nutrients in the dirt
your hurricanes
allowed her to drink in life
and cleansed her spirit
your drought
allowed her to slurp sunshine
and soak up the sun's knowledge

World,
this acorn is now
the trusty, sturdy oak
that doesn't bend or break
when a young Apache girl leans 
listening attentively with bright eyes
to her clan mother's adventurous tales
of a world of heroes


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34657
May 13, 2020 No comments

Today,
I peered in the mirror
to find a girl
I hadn't seen in a while
rebellious wisps framing
a contented moon
not trying, for once
to reflect the sun's
happiness

Today,
I tied my hair 
half up
half down
nothing ever
absolute
like I used to
not so long ago
replacing my new normal
who-cares-who-sees
haphazard bun

Today,
I was a child again
proudly presenting
an origami envelope
holding the contents
of a graphite heart
her arms draped around me
a mother's embrace
was returning home
never-ending smiles
said and unsaid
我愛你's

Today, 
My favorite
lavender shirt
that I used to wear
to soften the bad days
to feel beautiful
when the whispered voices
told me I was not
slipped off the hanger
and made a black and white day
purple
reminding me
to keep my head up

Today,
The busiest day 
in weeks
maybe months
& instead of sulking
complaining
with this loose tongue of mine
like I might've, before
I had purpose
running through my veins
Alive
turning my blue blood
ripe ruby red

Today,
I found myself
in my eyes
despite the changes
I may feel, inside
it gives me hope
because if she has returned
despite this messy world
perhaps it is not 
impossible
that my life as I knew it
will come back
some tomorrow


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34622
May 11, 2020 No comments



A
lternating
Laughter & arguing
echo across the house
waking me up
at an ungodly hour
9 AM
a starfish in bed
splayed out, trying to cool off
my sweating potato self
in this toaster of a room
listening to their teasing
and scolding
one another
while going about
their morning
Feeling like the villain
for even entertaining the notion
of stomping downstairs
and interrupting
No energy, anyway
But as I absorb
their random banter
and grown-up conversation
about life, as usual
and unusual
I smile to myself
goofily, knowing
that despite their blow outs
and all the hardships
they've ever faced
this is the music
of bonafide
practical
realistic
non-fairy tale
romcom, or romance novel 
love


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34540
May 08, 2020 No comments

I don't want to write
about this virus anymore
Don't care that this will be part of history
I just want this chapter over
But today, life's not giving me a say
Just gotta take the hand I'm dealt
And watch as this time fades away

I am drowning
Tides of periwinkle masks
and suspicious eyes
Chained to this bed
as the water level rises
I choke on despondent news casts
And articles saying we're never going back
The murky water fills my lungs
Until it's all I can breathe out
Fills my heart, my blood stream
Until it's cold and afraid
It floods my being
running through my veins
as I try to hold my breath
lying to my quivering heart
when I say
it'll be over soon

The glass on the windowsill
fills to the brim
with my briny tears
infused with sunlight
and dissolved memories
separating into ions
changing, ever so slightly
When I gulp it down
I only thirst for more
Unbearably dehydrated
Poison
of my own making
But I tell myself
at least the glass is full

But even so,
my pen will not stop writing
on the drenched pages
that I'll never get to rewrite
The ink bleeds through
and stains
every future chapter I'll ever write
this life of mine
will never be the same
making every memory of Before
look that much more precious
Wishing I could tell the girl I was
You are lucky

My ink has turned midnight blue
a slow progression of color
from the start
to now
As I bleed on the paper
the fiery reds
extinguished
Shivering in this new world
I don't like this

I won't close my eyes though
and pretend this is a dream
I'm cursed with
the need to know
like a horror movie
you're deathly afraid of
but won't turn off
This is the train wreck
You can't look
away from
My eyes are stinging
assaulted by salt
it would be so easy
to just screw them shut

But I will never shut my eyes
as long as I live
because if I do
I'm not sure I'll ever
want to open them again
it would be giving up
the knowledge I need to survive
In this new ocean world
nobody knows quite
what it'll look like
would be surrendering
to the ocean currents whim
I refuse to set myself up
for failure

So yes, I may be drowning
But I'll hang on
chained to my bed
lying to my being
gulping down my tears
resisting the urge to sleep
not giving up
In hopes of a tomorrow
even though
I've already gone under
And although I despise
the blue of my blood
I have to accept me as I am
to keep writing my story
as I drift in these
virus tides


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34516
May 07, 2020 No comments
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Message from Yours Truly

Hey, this is amaryllis :) So, if you're on here, I probably finally allowed you to read my work or this was a totally accident (happy one I hope). Either way, welcome! Also, as a reminder to those who know me-- remember that although much of it may seem like it's based off irl, some of it is fiction. Enjoy, and if you feel compelled to, I would love to see what you think in the comments!

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