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late luminescence


I stand there,
the words on the black rubber
a brief scan registering as injustice
the price, a death
but the detestable transaction 
is already over
bagged in thin plastic
taken out of the florescent lights
through the glass doors
& that is the end of it for me
as if I am a grocery store machine
scanning the price of a can of beans
or a jug of milk that expired a day ago,
or a bunch of bananas
and I am ashamed
that I do not feel moved
to speak, to write
to sit down and cry
to stand up and fight
against something I know
is utterly disgusting
why am I like this?
unfeeling eyes roaming their words
numb when I hear his name
deadened deep down
cold to touch
so what if it is not me or anyone I know?
so what if it it not my home, 
my streets,
my town?
Just as I know this is wrong,
I know I should care,
and I suppose I do,
as much as one cares
about an expired jug of milk.
where has my humanity gone?
I hate the void
the gaping black hole
right where my heart used to be
all the years of the news
sitting in front of the TV
on weekday evenings
eating refried beans
and bananas
the shootings, the bombings
the violence
the deaths
their deeds, snakes
I thought could never touch me
except now, they've turned my heart to stone
a monolith that only beats
itself up, when it cannot weep
for just another death on the news
and it groans and moans
wishing it could feel the blows
or crumble slightly
but yet,
the tears will not come
May 30, 2020 1 comments

Her socks were mismatched, eye gunk crystals stuck to her lashes, and the morning sun had risen far to early. But what else was new? Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and splashing her face with water, Ella slid her shoes on and grabbed her bag of bricks. She took a few steps out the gate, and tripped on a shoelace. Owww. Luckily, the spring was still chilly and had prompted her to wear her pair of go to jeggings. She laughed at herself in her head as she hurriedly laced up her shoes properly. With two sloppy bows, Ella checked her watch. Phew, fifteen minutes to spare.

She then began the morning stroll to school, savoring the feeling of a gentle breeze blowing through her damp locks. As the bright streaks of sunshine slowly woke her up from her half asleep adrenaline haze, Ella appreciated the blue bird's whistles and the neighborhood's blooming gardens. 

A turn, and a larger street with small shops appeared. At this point, Ella was running a bit behind after stopping to write a few observations in her notebook, with ten minutes left to finish her trek. Passing the candy shop, she promised herself she'd begin speed walking at the next bend, which was marked by the lot of a dilapidated drug store. The lot had already been vacant for months, and a large FOR RENT sign on the rickety wooden door attempted to beckon new owners. As she approached, the sunlight glinted off the gold door. Hold on, gold?! Ella stopped in her tracks. Well, that certainly wasn't there before. 

Looking around, Ella watched as strangers sped by in a tide of rushing cars. So focused on their own lives, nobody else had taken notice of the ornate entry way and the missing FOR RENT sign.

Staring at it, Ella was a bit at a loss. She had always been the good child that had never caused anyone to give a second thought to her. Decent grades, a respectable number of friends, and a member of her town's Girl Scout troop. Nobody would've ever described her as "adventurous" or "daring". No, the well worn path was enough for her. Yet still, the golden door had presented itself to her. 

Trying to peer through boarded up windows, Ella couldn't quite see what lay beyond. What could be behind it? Driven by her curiosity, her hand reached towards the knob.

School. Trespassing. The hand hastily retreated. Checking her watch again, Ella groaned in frustration. Eight minutes until school started. Eight minutes until all of her classmates would be shut into math class. The sand was spilling fast.

Desperate, she called her dad. Ringing for a few seconds, then voicemail. Another wasted minute. What was behind the door? Gnawing her lip, Ella decided to open it. "One peek and then we're sprinting to school," she said firmly. 

Grasping warm metal, Ella twisted, shutting her eyes. Pushing.

The door didn't budge. Feet pounding the pavement, Ella shook her head and smiled at how much time she had wasted debating whether to open a locked door.


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/35034
May 28, 2020 No comments

My stomach drops and fizzes with excitement
as I type all those emojis with a happy birthday
and this is probably pretty out of the blue
can't imagine how long I've waited to text you

I had thought before it was over
another casualty of this stupid virus
but here we are, with pixels and screens
making up the blue speech bubbles between

But when I listened to us conversing in my head
I realized we are not saying what we would normally say
and this whole chat is not a conversation between you & me
simply a reflection of who we think we should be

We are more liberal with the jokes we throw out
because the awkward silences have been backspaced
moments I would normally be chuckling all alone
is confined to haha and my side of the phone

We toss in lol's when we aren't really laughing
just as a pickaxe to break up this stranger ice
we've barely skimmed the edge of what friends are
the distance our meandering morning conversation had to go, still far

But for now, these other voices have to be enough
the bubbly words fizzing from our desolation
the hahas and lols will just have to suffice
as we still perseverance chip away at this stranger ice


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/35018
May 28, 2020 No comments


I always forget now

that they can't see the smile
whenever they wave
and my lips turn up in response

I've never been one
to communicate with my voice
joy is hard to put into words
without sounding too cheesy

I can never say the right things anyway
and when all the wrong things spill out
I wince at myself, grinning at my ineptness
twinkling eyes winking unknowingly

Oh, it's made for some awkward chuckling
when my left eye shuts of its own accord
and my thoughts run through circle mazes
why on Earth are they winking at me?

So when I see these strangers
as I guard the bikes outside the market
my smile turned solid blue
despite the scattered reminders, I forget

The masks fade away
as we wink at one another
not exchanging words, or even gestures
but an inside secret neither of us know


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/35011
May 28, 2020 No comments

they well up
Liquid disappointment
all muddled together
makes shame and anger
at the world, at myself
at life
becomes xyresic blades
slicing up the girl inside
puncturing holes in my fabricated 
pride, or is it confidence?
Drowning salt water with a showerhead
The blades sharpened again
with my disgust in myself
at the rivers of salt I've created
over what?
I try to scrub away my cares
my wounds, my insecurities
until my skin becomes raw
scars near invisible
yet still ever present
Both are right
and both are wrong
shades of gray
while every inch of my record
of choices, are wrong,
wrong,
wrong.
How many times have I
stewed in the River of Styx
gulping its gifts greedily
Out of sight, out of mind
It may be easier, but
leaves my armor open
to trip on the same rock
no wonder this moment
feels ever so familiar


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34987
May 27, 2020 No comments

I've never known anyone
who is fearless
The way I figure
if you're never afraid
of anything
it means you've got
nothing
or you think you've got
nothing
which means you don't care about 
anything
enough to be willing to lose 
everything
Over time, they change
But then again,
nothing
ever stays the same for long
So maybe one day
I'll meet someone who's not afraid of
anything
but I won't bring myself to know
such an empty soul
No, instead
I'll look in their dull eyes
fearlessly defiant
and declare that they are quite possibly
insane
and then I'll take their empty bottles
and fill them will all the fear
I fear for them
and then they'll have to fear
trying to shake off the one person
who cares
I've never known anyone 
who is fearless,
The only people I've ever known
are people who were fearless


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34935
May 24, 2020 No comments

I came to my chromebook
for once, before midnight
and I thought I might finally
be able to write
without the lights being off
straining by eyes
to eek out the last lines
satisfied when the pixels
arrange themselves
into a mirror of the day

But, looking around
I realized was missing a limb
Shuffling the scattered pages
strewn across my room
Scouring the downstairs
I swear I left it in the bag
but I checked it thrice
and it's emptier than my stomach
on mornings where I wake up late 
then starve myself
too lazy to pull myself up 
whilst languishing in bed

oh, the dangers of eating froyo
savoring the tart mango
melting on your tongue 
that coaxes the irritable summer air
it is chill pill indeed
my eyes fixed on the prize
I didn't catch the possible consequences
sly commercials always read way too fast

Side effects may include
brain freeze,
loss of memory regarding the fact
that you left your brain
your heart, your soul
the one organ
more valuable than a limb
in the backseat of a Prius
which Find My Friend calculates to be
about 50 miles away
tossed in with spam mail
5% of people 
experienced a panic attack
after memory was restored
Do not eat if your journal isn't in your bag
and if you are prone to extreme worry
over said notebook


Curse this delicious dessert
I can't even boycott
because I know one glimpse
a careless mention
and I will empty my pockets 
for just a taste
momentarily ignoring
the possible side effects


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34879
May 22, 2020 No comments

Mom hollering, "Get to school!"
stuffing the hash brown in my face
ketchup stains the corners of my mouth
sprinting up the stairs
changing faster than the speed of light
Dad honking in the driveway, shouting at Mom
"You're gonna pick 'em up!"
Flying into the car
Then just sitting
still pumping with the adrenaline
my daily dose every dawn
the whole neighborhood hears a girl
screaming for her brother to
"HURRY UP! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE"
Is she okay?
She will be if she's on time

At a glance
the same as every school day morn

But today,
I secure a blue mask around my ears
before I race out the car
without my hefty backpack
reminding me of my purpose

Approaching the front office
I've been through, maybe once before?
Warily looking around, keeping my distance
Afraid that if I spot my friends
I won't be able to resist the urge to hug them

ID number, first and last name
this last day feels like my first
I hardly recognize the halls
Without the swarms of strange faces
The comfortable cacophony of classmates

Yet, the familiarity still grasps me
a smile ghosts my lips
not for the first time
on such a noble Tuesday morning
but today, nobody will see

Although our smiles are muffled by masks
The same gleam mirrored in their eyes
of longing, of joy
and for once I am sad that
I am not the only dork
who missed this place

Heading to the locker rooms
how refreshing to talk to someone
even if it's only a locker room attendant
making small conversation
a splash of water in a drought

Holding the cool metal lock
lightly, in my palm
I don't remember the combo
but my fingers spin
faster than the rusty cogs of my brain

They recall the days
which this was just procedure
slipping on PE clothes slightly damp
with yesterday's sweat
wondering what kind of torture
second period would hold

Slamming the locker shut
More out of habit, than of need
back when I shoved my bulging mass of supplies
just so the door would close
CRACK!
and whoops, there would go my protractor

Sitting, waiting on a bench
it's not something I did much, then
I was always busy, bustling here and there
listening, and laughing, and talking
but never truly looking

Walking out the gates
of the campus I know so well
I let go of the balloons
That have been keeping me afloat
I need to be grounded now

To take the next step, away
I finally say farewell
perhaps two weeks in advance
perhaps two months late

This chapter is ending
and I feel regret for the situation
I could not possibly changed
but the book is far from over
I'll be back yet
Just you wait

Goodbye, sophomore year

Catch you later, AHS


Post On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34817
May 20, 2020 No comments

But you know what?
At least I failed epicly
so spectacularly
that the best he could say is
"At least you played the notes right"

they were not in tune
nor to any rhythm
Does this make me a failure?
Perhaps

I don't care though
because I'm just relieved
it's done
although I suppose it was over
the moment I thought
"I'M DOOMED"

when I could finally let go of the breath
the stale hopes
I was holding onto so tightly
until my palms were slick with liquid fear

Laughing at myself
in advance
at the voice inside who calls me
a loser

batting at the incessant fly
constantly hovering by my ear
incessantly buzzing that I am not enough
I am a disappointment

But you know what?
These knees have seen the ground
more times than you can count
and all I can do
is dust off the scrapes
red pride dripping down my leg
and carry on

Why not
try to have a good time
while I'm at it?

It stings, and it hurts
to be taken down a few rungs
but isn't all medicine bitter?

To be able to laugh at oneself
To truly, genuinely be merry
after, despite failure
is to say

I am proud of what I have done,
despite the voices, buzzing, scrapes
one day they will be but
echoes, corpses, scars
They are the proof that

I am not yet broken.


Posted On: https://youngwritersproject.org/node/34794 & Daily Read
May 19, 2020 No comments
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Message from Yours Truly

Hey, this is amaryllis :) So, if you're on here, I probably finally allowed you to read my work or this was a totally accident (happy one I hope). Either way, welcome! Also, as a reminder to those who know me-- remember that although much of it may seem like it's based off irl, some of it is fiction. Enjoy, and if you feel compelled to, I would love to see what you think in the comments!

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