photo: Voltaire in UCU, Utrecht (5 Feb 2025)

Hello hello helloooo... so obviously I've been awful about posting because its been a year and now I'm in the Netherlands and that's always crazy if I think too hard about it but also not that crazy now that it's been three weeks. THATS CRAZY. Anyway, the above photo is kind of what gets me through the week --- €0.60 hot chocolate (or chocomel, as is the brand here) from the coffee machines that are in every building here (Berkeley, get on this stat). Quick story time: there's a free machine in like the "office"/admin building, but last time I went the guy who shut down the bar got all confrontational with it (I'm told he is also the weird housemaster people don't love). Sixty cents isn't really worth that kind of weirdness and time, so I'm back at my machines.

Also featured in the above photo are my beloved earbuds --- I honestly don't use them THAT much, but between the book Mark lent me and that, they're kind of like safety items? Vestigal parts of my past lives, I guess you could also say.

But back to the blog: this time, I'm not making any promises I can't keep. I'll update what I update and we'll just see what happens. Because Blogger sucks and even just rotating the stupid photo above isn't a function they've built in yet... boo, hiss. We'll come back to establishing intentions in a bit.

In any case, so far I've been to some parts of Utrecht (mainly the mall) and a bit of Amsterdam (CNY fireworks + subpar lion dancing, outside of museums, Vondelpark, shopping, THE BEST INDO FOOD). Classes are kind of intense here in that I REALLY have to like be careful about at least pretending I know what's happening and like doing readings. This week I've been an awful student due to booking difficulties, but hey! Iceland & Nice are booked! That's a small miracle! And and and I keep doing extra curricular things and I have a BSN (Dutch version of SSN but the B stands for burger... I get a good kick out of that. An American citizen is like an American burger or something HAHA SEE?). I guess I've really just been trying to go with the flow, prioritize having fun and new things in general. I haven't really let myself say no yet, which sounds unhealthy but I promise it's not... yet. Movie nights with Cate & Mark? Absolutely, they're awesome. Dance class? Why not? Running with Mark and dragging Tiffany along? Uhm... fine.

Also just want to say I'm really stupid proud of myself for making myself be more active! IDK after the first run I just felt so weak and so even though I hate it, I also am trying to learn to lean into the pain and reluctance. I got farther on the second run than the first too! Probably largely because I found my breathing rhythm, but also because I dressed a lot better and wore earmuffs. Also dance is so fun! Which does not correlate to my being good at it but it's just all around like an enjoyable activity so long as I don't get in my head about how I look. Which I don't do so far because again, I suck and am just trying to keep up with the moves + I try not to be in front and see myself in the mirror.

ANYWAY main reason I wanted to write this was to kind of reflect on my relationships back home? I was so scared of what would happen and I guess now its happening but because of everything else that's happening it's like not as huge of a deal. I really missed having everyone around during CNY and like I sometimes really crave hugs, but I also feel like I'm calling like a lot. A lot of people call me too or like check in and its incredible how old that's gotten... which is terrible of me to say because I know it comes from such an amazing place of care and love. It's just a lot of me spieling the same stuff over and over again, and like I guess people think I must be having such a different time of life somewhere else. And it's in some ways true, like life is different on a surface level. But there lives are also different. And because they are different and we are all constantly growing, our lives are also the same. We have the same levels of potential. It makes a lot of sense from my side of things, but I can also see how on the other side it doesn't look like that. 

Trying to start thinking in poetry again too... we'll see how that endeavor goes. I was thinking today on the way to dance how I could describe the cold night in unconventional ways.

OH AND LASTLY INTENTIONS! I'm not really writing this for anyone else to read, but also am aware that it's on the internet and if people look hard enough they can read it. SO no super deep heart stuff about specific people, just thoughts for myself to help jog reflection :) Low stakes... hopefully higher reward.

TLDR; it's been three weeks, so I'm kind of more used to the beauty of Utrecht and Amsterdam with the canals and stuff I think? But also once in awhile the awe hits again, and it's a gorgeous feeling where everything is cold and bright against your cheeks.

Goals: